It seemed as though my life was spinning out of control, but to most it seemed I had it together. On my own, I was dealing with depression, raising children, and hiding from the embarrassment of being separated from my husband.
The only thing that kept me going were my children. They are my strength—my everything.
When I started out on my journey of life, it included my husband and my children. My ultimate goal in life was to make them better and be the best mother and wife that I could be. No marriage is a fairytale and ours was very far from it.
My husband and I have dealt with infidelity, verbal and physical abuse, and abandonment. But we seemed to always fight through — or at least I did. But I had grown tired. And as we spent time apart, I slowly learned that I was fighting alone; my husband left a long time ago. I tolerated more than I should have.
Of course, I still wanted my marriage — but I wanted a marriage that my husband would want as well. It was during our separation that I was forced to work two jobs to provide for my kids. And that’s where I met the other man.
My intentions were never to fall in love. Far from it. Despite the smile I wore daily, I was very depressed because I lost my faith in love and hope. Why would I believe anything from any man after the way my husband has treated and disrespected me with his affairs. I only believed that every man only wanted one thing and they would eventually just use me.
But this other man was different. His eyes grabbed me, held me close, and told me everything would be okay.
He managed to captivate my very well-being with his attention, silliness, and care. He picked up on my bad days or when I was bothered by something. He knew how to say the right things to get my mind right. Truthfully, he gave me hope again.
My better days would be with him
He treated me as a partner, and we were on the same team. He said and did all the right things, so I saw a future with him. This was what I wanted in a successful relationship.
Of course, there were many times I felt guilty about being with a married man. I knew it was wrong and I should have ended it, but I just couldn’t. He told me that I loved him and he was right. The more I fought it, the more I loved him. He loved me back so well that I eventually chose to forget that he had a wife. (I didn’t actually ever hear him say that he loved me. He just treated me so well that I equated that with love.)
He assured me he would fix our complicated situation and leave his wife one day. I was sure this man I was in love with was going to make everything right at some point.
Many will hate me for being with a man who’s married but I don’t care anymore. People come into your life for seasons and reasons. And when he did, I was down and out. I was depressed and still wanted a marriage with a man that left me long before he left our home. I was making sure the family that he left, survived.
And I was doing it all alone. I went home alone every night. I spent my days alone. But when he came into my life, he awoke my spirit of happiness. He awoke my dreams. And for that, I will always respect and love him.
But I also loved him enough to let him go when the time came that he decided to end things with me and stay with his wife. I went back into a depression for a while, but I saw his happiness — and through that, I saw mine again. It may not be with the man that I wanted, but it reminded me that I had found myself once before and I could do it again.
I am relieved that his marriage was salvageable. (Mine wasn’t.) I wanted him to be happy and it didn’t matter what it took for that to happen, even if that meant losing him to his wife. Many will think of me as a homewrecker or a whore but that’s not what I was. It was not my job to respect his marriage. It was his.
I do believe he was unhappy. I do believe he really wanted to be with me. I do believe he wanted a future with me, but I, as well as he, also knew he already had a family and obligations.
I learned from my own failed marriage that you can’t force love. You can only respect obligations. I knew his wife’s pain all too well which is why I spared her the details and the truth.
To this day, I doesn’t know he was with me. I knew I would never leave him, so why give her the same memories of torture that I had dealt with for years?
Life has taught me that you can’t control someone’s loyalty. No matter how good you are to them it doesn’t mean that they will treat you the same way.”
